Smoke Detector

Today I found a notebook in my drawer about which I had forgotten. I bought it at Logan Airport last year when I was waiting for Rachael to arrive from Maryland so that I could drive her home. Her flight had been delayed a few hours, and I wanted something to do. So I bought a notebook, and began writing.

I found that notebook today and started reading through it, and felt like sharing something on here that I had written:

June 22, 2009
....There's a ringing noise that sounds like a smoke detector, and it's extremely annoying. And there's nothing I can do about it. It's kind of like the Holy Spirit. You can't ignore a smoke detector. The only way to stop the ringing is to fix the problem. You can turn the ringing off, but it's only going to keep setting off until you get to the root of the problem. You need to find the source of the smoke and stop it. It's a warning that something's burning, and you need to deal with it before it bursts into flames. That's kind of like the Holy Spirit's presence in a believer's life. "And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment" John 16:8. The Holy Spirit prods my heart when there's a problem--when there's sin present, kind of like a smoke detector that won't stop ringing. I can try to ignore it or make a temporary change to silence the ringing for a while, but in reality I need to deal with the root of the problem. That means not just recognizing that I did something wrong and say, "I'm sorry, God. Forgive me. I'll try not to do it again." Because guess what? Most of the time I just turn around and do it again. I have to get to the root of the problem--I have to recognize the heart motivation behind my actions. Wanting to be a responsible person so that someone will see me as such.. or just so that people won't think I'm lazy, is good motivation, but it's not enough--it's not the right motivation. That makes it the opposite, which is wrong--which means it can't even be good, even if it might appear that way. So why is it that when I purpose to change my ways and be responsible...it doesn't happen? ...The truth is...at the core I am selfish, lazy, and self-seeking. I am a creature of comfort, and don't think, a lot of the time, beyond the here and now. I don't think about how my choices will affect me or others in the future, and somehow think I'm exempt from the consequences or that I don't care...What I choose not to think about are the long-term consequences. When I choose to fall asleep downstairs and not get up and turn the TV off, I'm being lazy and selfish. I care more about myself than the fact that leaving the TV on will run up the electricity bill and put financial strain on my parents. However, what lies beneath all of this is ultimately the choice to serve God or self. And most of the time lately, self has won out. I have not been loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I have not been doing all to His glory...God is revealing to me that at the core, this is who I am. And graciously, the Holy Spirit is prodding harder. His voice isn't as easy to ignore this time around...
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I realize this is not a perfect analogy. The Holy Spirit is not some annoying buzzer that goes off in my head, driving me nuts with no relief until the noise ceases. He's so much more than that. He's a person, a spirit (duh), with whom I am to interact. He wants to speak to me and guide me, and change me. And most of the time, His voice is more like a soft whisper than an obnoxious ringing. I just have to be walking close enough to Him to hear that voice. But thankfully, like I did say above, God loves me enough to allow His Spirit to press a little harder sometimes in certain areas when I need it. He is faithful.

I think I should forewarn you that this will probably be a long entry. So, if you're up for it, go grab yourself a cup of tea or something, come back, and sit tight.

Today we had a tornado warning, and nothing came of it. When I got back from Anders' fundraiser (my friend Anders has epilepsy and had a fundraiser to help pay for the $7500 seizure dog he will be getting), it was about 7:15ish or so, and clouds were moving in. I thought this big storm was on its way, and even though I knew my camera battery was dying, I figured I'd go down to the beach and capture some shots of the waves or something--it sounded pretty adventurous to me. While I was driving down there, I thought, "If I wasn't called to ministry, I think I'd like to be a storm-chaser." Ha.

I got to the beach, and... no storm. At all. No waves. Just a gentle lull of the water slowly sliding up the shore, then receding. I was slightly disappointed. But the sky, it was gorgeous. It took one look, and I was glad I came down. I snapped a few shots, and then my battery called it quits. The sky was so gorgeous that I wished that my battery wasn't dead so I could capture it some more, but then I didn't mind so much. In fact, I was glad. Sometimes, it just seems fitting not to capture something like that. It almost made it more special. And less.. technical. When I'm taking pictures, I want just the right angle. Just the right lighting. Putting the camera down allowed me to just be able to look around and drink it all in. It made me feel as though I were destined for that moment--destined to be at the beach, at that time, when the sky was so beautiful, with my God.
It seemed as though a moment that needed not to be captured. It was captured in my mind (I know that sounds so cheesy)--and it's a memory that I will always cherish. Those times always are--walks on the beach with my God.
So I walked. I walked, and I talked, and I soaked in the beauty. The beauty of my God. I say that--my God--because I can. Because He's my God. But I don't say it lightly or ignore the privilege that it is to be able to call Him my God. And I know that that privilege came at a price--the price of His Son.
At one point, I stopped. I stopped and turned around in a circle. And I realized that no photographer or artist would be able to capture all of that in one photo or painting. Just in that one spot, there was so much to take in that it could not be accurately captured. And that spot is just one miniscule sliver of a beautiful town in a beautiful state in a beautiful country on a beautiful planet in a beautiful galaxy in a beautiful universe. And I thought, how many more masterpieces has God painted right at this moment, and how many of them are unseen by human eyes? And that is my God. I know Him. I felt like Elf in Gimbel's when he found out Santa was coming: "SANTAAAA!! I KNOW HIM!" You know how people are. If they know somebody famous, it's like, wow. But I know God. I know Him. Like Elf knows Santa. And I don't know Him as I should and never will fully know Him, but just the fact that I can know such a vast, amazing God even just a little boggles me. And even more than that, He knows me--better than I know myself. Sometimes I think I know myself so well. I think I know exactly who I am and exactly what I want. But then there are times when I feel like I have no idea who I am or what I want. But God knows. He knew before the foundations of the earth all of the moments and choices and decisions and events of my life. This God, the God of the Universe, knows me. And loves me. He loves me so much that He took extraordinary measures to make relationship with me possible. He killed His Son. He sacrificed fellowship with His beloved, perfect Son, to bring such a worm as I into fellowship with Him. And He pursues me. Not because He has anything new to learn about me, but so that I will be drawn to Him. It baffles me to think that such a God, THE God, desires intimacy with me.
I could go on forever, but I won't. I'm just thankful for tonight. I'm thankful for beautiful, visible reminders of how beautiful and great God is, and what a privilege it is to know and love and serve Him. I'm thankful for how reminders like that inspire me to stop getting tripped up over little things (even though I know I never will completely, because I'm human, but I try), and start living every moment to reflect my love for this Awesome Creator, but more importantly, His love for me and for others.

I would just like all of you to know, whoever you are that read this, that God is so good. I have been reminded in an overwhelming way that God answers prayer and changes hearts. Something happened today than humanly speaking, would not have been possible a few days ago. But today, because of God, it is. He is so good!!!

*Luke 1:37

God is so good.
I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible study on the tabernacle called "A Woman's Heart." I just love Beth Moore. :) Today's lesson talked about how Jesus put on sin so we could put on righteousness. In an exchange, He put on sin to make robes of righteousness available to us. Beth talked about "wearing our new self, rather than allowing our robes of righteousness to hang in the closet.." saying that the key to this is "to be made new in the attitude of your minds" (Ephesians 4:23).  She says, "We are new creatures in Christ; but if we still think like the old creature, we will find it impossible to personify the new. Most of our wars are fought on the battlefield of the mind." So true. I could identify with this so much, especially lately. If you read my last post, you can understand why I say that. She also mentions Romans 12:2, which I found especially encouraging today. You also know this if you've seen my latest facebook post. ;)

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Now, this part coming up was what I found especially comforting.) Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Romans 12:2

Over the past week, I had been fighting a battle in my mind. One I thought I was winning, but turns out I wasn't as successful as I thought. It was so tempting for me to conform to the pattern of this world--to buy into such a worldly way of thinking, that I deserved what my heart so longed for. And because certain things were true, that must mean I was meant to get it, according to worldly thinking. I wasn't being transformed by the renewing of my mind. Not truly. I kept giving it over to God, but kept finding myself falling into that same trap of thinking that way. God is so good, though. I can't pinpoint when it was. Maybe it was while talking to my great friend Maya, who is always good for talking some sense into me. ;) But at some point this weekend, it just hit me. What I was longing for so much, it wasn't God's will. It isn't. Not right now, anyway, and probably ever. But I can't think, "Well, maybe, in the future..." because what if that doesn't happen? All I know is that right now, this isn't what God has for me. And that's all I need to know. And I am truly content with that. Because I've come to the point that if it's not what God wants, it's not what I want. I've come to the point where I've been able to test and approve what God's will is--and this isn't it. If what I was wanting so badly happened, I don't believe it would be pleasing to God. I don't believe it would be His perfect will. And knowing that didn't come until I released my desire and chose to renew my mind and think with the mind of Christ. And God honored that. He gave me a peace, the kind that only comes from Him.
Thank You, Heavenly Father. It is such a blessing to be Your child, to call You my Father, to know that You are real and present and care about Your children, and bless their obedience. Your ways are good.

David Crowder Band- Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun


And disaster comes

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

When waters rise

And hope takes flight

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul



Ever faithful

Ever true

You I know

You never let go

You never let go

You never let go

You never let go



When clouds brought rain

And disaster came

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

When waters rose

And hope had flown

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul



Oh, my soul

Overflows

Oh, what love, oh, what love

Oh, my soul

Fills with hope

Perfect love that never lets go



Oh, what love, oh what love

Oh, what love, oh what love

In joy and pain

In sun and rain

You’re the same

Oh, You never let go

Why are you cast down, O my soul,


and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.
Psalm 42:5-6
 
God, my heart is heavy. I knew I wasn't handling this rightly, but I thought I was doing okay. I was at least trying. And I was so convinced that whatever happens, I'm content with what you have for me because I know it's the best, and I want Your best, and I want to please You. But I guess I was wrong. My response right now clearly demonstrates that I was holding on tighter than I thought to what I wanted. And the idea of not getting that right now hurts so bad. And I thought I was doing so well. I thought I was in such a better place than I was two years ago, and that things were so much better, because I wasn't so distraught over the idea of not getting what I wanted. But I am. God, stupid expectations. I know they're bad. I know they hurt me when things don't end up going the way I expect. But God, I keep building them up, often without even realizing it. This battle in my mind is exhausting and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I can't. I know that prayer is my only defense against this, because the moment I stop praying is the moment my mind wanders places it wants to go but knows it's not supposed to.
 
God, why am I still crying? I know crying isn't going to change things. I know it doesn't work that way. "If I want it bad enough, it'll happen, right?" No. That's not the way life works. And I know that if I keep thinking this way I'll convince myself that it's what You want, just like I did before. But it's different this time. I can convince myself all I want, but I can't do anything about it this time. It's a closed door. And this time, it's obvious to me that it's closed. And I can't do anything to open it, but I want You to so bad.
 
God, You are so good. You give me peace. I find comfort in knowing that if You're withholding something from me, it's for my good. Help me to strive to honor and glorify You in this situation, to consider You worthy, because You are. Thank You, Father. I love you.

It's been a while. I have a habit of reading back through old journal entries (I think I mentioned that before). Anyway, here's my entry from two years ago today. Well, part of it, anyway. God, You're amazing. Life is so hard sometimes, but it's so beautiful. Your creation is beautiful. The snowflakes, the sunsets, the little things that make me smile. Ducks floating down the stream that flows through Brewster Gardens and the calming noise the water makes as it gushes over the rocks, under the bridges. The delicate, bare branches that lift their hands to you against the gray winter sky, that signify Your regenerating us when their buds bloom in Spring. "Behold, the old things are passed away...all things are become new." I shed my old leaves in Fall, the bitterness and anger and jealousy falls away, and when Spring comes around the buds of fruitfulness, of love and trust and hope begin to blossom, and reach their peak in Summer, the green palms of their hands spread wide. In winter I lift my hands to You in desperation, crying for the sunshine, but with hope that it's on the way because I know it's needed for the buds to bloom, and I know they will bloom.